My, Haven't We Matured

So somebody actually took the time (and, presumably, government grant money) to seek out the world's oldest jokes.


The oldest joke found so far dates from 1900 BC Sumeria (Iraq).


Talk about ancient, right? And when we think of old jokes, we think of philosophical quips. You know, the kind of stuff you read from Shakespeare in literature class, and the teacher has to inform you that what you just read was a joke. And then, when the joke was explained to you, you didn't laugh because an explained joke isn't nearly as funny, especially when it went over your head in the first place.


1900 BC is WAY more ancient than Shakespeare, so, logically, the humor in that kind of culture should be so archaic even Shakespeare would be left scratching his literate head.


Noop. Even a contemporary six-year-old would giggle at this. Contemporary grown-ups, however, would probably shake their heads in disgust.


"Oo!" you say, wriggling in anticipation. "What's the joke? How does it go? Tell me! Tell me!"


Here you go:

Something that has not happened since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap.

Hee hee! Funny, right?


-crickets chirping-


I have a hunch ancient Sumerian comedians hired writers to cook up their jokes, sorta like David Letterman does.


This sounds like something out of a Top Ten List.


"Top Ten Things That Haven't Happened Since Time Immemorial!"


(ding!)


"Number Ten! A woman farting in her husband's lap!"


One problem -- they didn't have canned laughter to fill in the bored silence in 1900 BC. Dave wouldn't have made it back in the day.

Lady Gaga Acts Mature . . . For A Few Seconds

During a show in Washington DC this past week, pop wacko -- I mean, icon -- Lady Gaga actually halted her show in the middle of "Monster" to interfere in a catfight between two concertgoers. She halted the music, rebuked the squabblers, then asked to make sure if they were okay.

"I don't know who hit who," she said, sounding much like a mother standing over her six-year-old children.

This is reminiscent (in some remote ways) to a Tim McGraw concert a couple of years back, in which Tim spotted a guy pawing at a girl, who was not welcoming the attention. Tim physically hauled the guy (who turned out to be drunk) onto the stage and had his guards haul him out of there. Then he went on singing "Indian Outlaw".

But here is where things take a different turn. Lady Gaga, after emphasizing that "we're all about peace and unity and love here" struck a pose with arms over her head and hip out (in a tight black one-piece) and asked in a sultry voice, "Do you think I'm sexy?"

Oh, pu-leeeeeze . . .

Just when she was about to look halfway mature, she caught herself just in time and bounced back into her fragmented style. What the HECK? Who breaks up a fight just to follow up by asking if they're considered sexy?

TWICE?

After assuring the audience that she thought they were sexy too, she spun around and fell to the stage, where she lay in a pose reminiscent of Madonna in "Like A Virgin", where she proceeded say, "Does anybody want to know what I hate more than anything? I hate the truth. In fact, I hate the truth so much I prefer a giant dose of bulls*** any day."

So . . . when people cheered as you asked if they thought you were sexy, would you have preferred that they boo? Were you lying when you said, "I think you're sexy." Is your show really NOT about peace and love and unity?

Nothing made sense here, much like one of her out-of-a-bad-dream music videos. Too bad she had to ruin the moment by acting just as childish as the showgoers whose fight she broke up.

As Jerry Seinfeld put it, "You know what you get when you remove an 'a' from her name? Lady Gag."

I dunno, Jerry . . . how could her appearance on the cover of Vogue in a raw-meat bikini possibly be gaggy?

Lady Gaga's brush with maturity, then her (over?)compensation for it.

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1.02.28

Romanian Witches Dodge New Law For A Spell

Romanian lawmakers just recently rejected a proposal from the Democratic Liberal Party to impose a tax on witches and fortune tellers.

The new law would also require these capitalists of the spirit world to produce receipts (Palm reading: $10; Tarot card reading: $10; Exorcism: $50; Love potion: $30 -- Total: $100.00) and hold them responsible for wrong predictions and other screw-ups (Fortunetelling Witch Misreads Palm; Uses Wrong Tarot Deck; Exorcises Demon Which Falls In Love With Exorcee When Love Potion Misfires).

No doubt, since the popular decision that vampires only exist in the Twilight world, Romania has grown dull and boring. The new law would have really livened things up.

Especially since, as lawmakers believed, if the law had passed, those who voted for the bill risked being cursed by the witches.

Shoot, what country couldn't use having a few legislators turning into toads or having their gonads wither up and fall off?

Yes, the passage of that law could have done great things for Romania.

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1.02.28

Riding Naked For The Planet

Hundreds of people come rolling down a Philadelphia street on bicycles. People watching from the sidewalk, from windows, and from cars are hooting, laughing, pointing, snapping pictures. You take a closer look at the cyclists as they get closer.

And you realize that the cyclists are . . . (gasp) naked.

What’s the first thing that comes to your mind?

Cleaner air, of course.

Which is good, because that’s exactly what these nude nuts are trying to do. The Philly Naked Bike Ride is an annual event in September that takes place to promote “bicycling awareness and  cleaner air”.

Of course, the fact that some people just like to get out there and strut it all had absolutely nothing to do with it.

After pedaling together for several miles through the City of Brotherly Love, the cyclists wheeled off to their homes, leaving the populace laughing, groaning, texting, uploading.

Yup. Everybody sure talked for a long time about cleaner air after that.

All sarcasm aside, there’s no doubt the cyclists accomplished one thing: They certainly raised bicycling awareness.

Hey, who wants to take the kids to Philly next year?

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1.02.28

Accept The Apology, Taylor -- Or Else!

It's been a year since rapper Kanye West barged into Taylor Swift's VMA acceptance speech and left her stammering.

Now he's making it up to her in the most humble gesture imaginable.

"I've written a song for Taylor, and it's so beautiful," he says.

Aww . . . a song HE wrote, for TAYLOR to perform. And he, the writer, has proclaimed that it's "so beautiful". The selflessness and humility bring tears to one's eyes.

Oh, and it doesn't end there. If Taylor won't accept it and perform it, then goshdarn it, he'll perform it himself.

What happened to a card and maybe some flowers? It almost sounds like he's gonna apologize with a display of his self-adored talents, and force it on her if she doesn't like it.

And seriously -- a rapper writing a song for a country artist? It's sorta like an impressionist painter having Pablo Picasso paint something the impressionist cooked up in his own imagination. It's asking for a clash of styles. Big time.

I dunno . . . right now all I can see is Taylor Swift cringing and smiling in embarrassment and secretly wishing she would die while Kanye West makes a fool of himself. Again.

Those VMA's are getting more and more interesting all the time.