Friday, September 10, 2010

Lady Gaga Acts Mature . . . For A Few Seconds

During a show in Washington DC this past week, pop wacko -- I mean, icon -- Lady Gaga actually halted her show in the middle of "Monster" to interfere in a catfight between two concertgoers. She halted the music, rebuked the squabblers, then asked to make sure if they were okay.

"I don't know who hit who," she said, sounding much like a mother standing over her six-year-old children.

This is reminiscent (in some remote ways) to a Tim McGraw concert a couple of years back, in which Tim spotted a guy pawing at a girl, who was not welcoming the attention. Tim physically hauled the guy (who turned out to be drunk) onto the stage and had his guards haul him out of there. Then he went on singing "Indian Outlaw".

But here is where things take a different turn. Lady Gaga, after emphasizing that "we're all about peace and unity and love here" struck a pose with arms over her head and hip out (in a tight black one-piece) and asked in a sultry voice, "Do you think I'm sexy?"

Oh, pu-leeeeeze . . .

Just when she was about to look halfway mature, she caught herself just in time and bounced back into her fragmented style. What the HECK? Who breaks up a fight just to follow up by asking if they're considered sexy?

TWICE?

After assuring the audience that she thought they were sexy too, she spun around and fell to the stage, where she lay in a pose reminiscent of Madonna in "Like A Virgin", where she proceeded say, "Does anybody want to know what I hate more than anything? I hate the truth. In fact, I hate the truth so much I prefer a giant dose of bulls*** any day."

So . . . when people cheered as you asked if they thought you were sexy, would you have preferred that they boo? Were you lying when you said, "I think you're sexy." Is your show really NOT about peace and love and unity?

Nothing made sense here, much like one of her out-of-a-bad-dream music videos. Too bad she had to ruin the moment by acting just as childish as the showgoers whose fight she broke up.

As Jerry Seinfeld put it, "You know what you get when you remove an 'a' from her name? Lady Gag."

I dunno, Jerry . . . how could her appearance on the cover of Vogue in a raw-meat bikini possibly be gaggy?

Lady Gaga's brush with maturity, then her (over?)compensation for it.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Romanian Witches Dodge New Law For A Spell

Romanian lawmakers just recently rejected a proposal from the Democratic Liberal Party to impose a tax on witches and fortune tellers.

The new law would also require these capitalists of the spirit world to produce receipts (Palm reading: $10; Tarot card reading: $10; Exorcism: $50; Love potion: $30 -- Total: $100.00) and hold them responsible for wrong predictions and other screw-ups (Fortunetelling Witch Misreads Palm; Uses Wrong Tarot Deck; Exorcises Demon Which Falls In Love With Exorcee When Love Potion Misfires).

No doubt, since the popular decision that vampires only exist in the Twilight world, Romania has grown dull and boring. The new law would have really livened things up.

Especially since, as lawmakers believed, if the law had passed, those who voted for the bill risked being cursed by the witches.

Shoot, what country couldn't use having a few legislators turning into toads or having their gonads wither up and fall off?

Yes, the passage of that law could have done great things for Romania.


Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Riding Naked For The Planet

Hundreds of people come rolling down a Philadelphia street on bicycles. People watching from the sidewalk, from windows, and from cars are hooting, laughing, pointing, snapping pictures. You take a closer look at the cyclists as they get closer.

And you realize that the cyclists are . . . (gasp) naked.

What’s the first thing that comes to your mind?

Cleaner air, of course.

Which is good, because that’s exactly what these nude nuts are trying to do. The Philly Naked Bike Ride is an annual event in September that takes place to promote “bicycling awareness and  cleaner air”.

Of course, the fact that some people just like to get out there and strut it all had absolutely nothing to do with it.

After pedaling together for several miles through the City of Brotherly Love, the cyclists wheeled off to their homes, leaving the populace laughing, groaning, texting, uploading.

Yup. Everybody sure talked for a long time about cleaner air after that.

All sarcasm aside, there’s no doubt the cyclists accomplished one thing: They certainly raised bicycling awareness.

Hey, who wants to take the kids to Philly next year?

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Accept The Apology, Taylor -- Or Else!

It's been a year since rapper Kanye West barged into Taylor Swift's VMA acceptance speech and left her stammering.

Now he's making it up to her in the most humble gesture imaginable.

"I've written a song for Taylor, and it's so beautiful," he says.

Aww . . . a song HE wrote, for TAYLOR to perform. And he, the writer, has proclaimed that it's "so beautiful". The selflessness and humility bring tears to one's eyes.

Oh, and it doesn't end there. If Taylor won't accept it and perform it, then goshdarn it, he'll perform it himself.

What happened to a card and maybe some flowers? It almost sounds like he's gonna apologize with a display of his self-adored talents, and force it on her if she doesn't like it.

And seriously -- a rapper writing a song for a country artist? It's sorta like an impressionist painter having Pablo Picasso paint something the impressionist cooked up in his own imagination. It's asking for a clash of styles. Big time.

I dunno . . . right now all I can see is Taylor Swift cringing and smiling in embarrassment and secretly wishing she would die while Kanye West makes a fool of himself. Again.

Those VMA's are getting more and more interesting all the time.

Friday, September 3, 2010

General Rule Of Thumb: If You Want To Buy Pot, Don't Text The Sheriff

Picture this: You’re minding your own business on an otherwise normal day, and you get the following text --

hey dawg do u have a $20 i can buy rite now?

That’s what happened to Sheriff Leo Dutton of Lewis and Clark County in Montana.

A teenager, eager to get his experimental paws on some dope, had shot a text to (he thought) a pot-dealing buddy. Only one problem: He’d punched in a wrong digit and ended up texting the cops.

Oops.

Sheriff Dutton and a detective set up a meet with the teen and his equally experimental buddy at a local store. The kids turned up with one adult, who turned out to be the oblivious father to one of the boys.

The detective walked up to the boys and showed his badge.

One of the boys fainted on the spot.

No charges or fines came out of the matter once the parents of the two boys were made aware of the situation.

My question is, why wasn’t Dope-Dealin’ Dan on the boys’ speed dial?

Perhaps when you’re using dope, you are what you smoke.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Stephen Hawking Warns About The Dangers Of Alien Contact

Stephen Hawking, that famous ultranerd/astrophysicist, expressed a novel concept recently on the Discovery Channel.

Earthlings should avoid alien contact at all costs because in all likelihood the aliens would only attack, raid our planet's resources, and depart.

Uh, thanks, Steve, but we already knew that. We've seen the movie.

But what are the odds of an actual alien race existing somewhere out there?

According to his modestly self-proclaimed "mathematical brain", the odds are quite high.

Again, we already knew that. Anyone who lives in New York City or Los Angeles has experienced several different alien invasions within the past few decades (and the rest of us, in turn, watched it all unfold on the big screen).

So how is this big news? Why did the Discovery Channel ask Stephen Hawking to expound on this when they could have just asked a film director from Hollywood and gotten the same response?

Besides, the Discovery Channel should be more than aware that we face a more immediate danger than resource-depleting aliens -- how about gun-wielding, bomb-wearing, overpopulation-crazed envirokids who go homocidal when they see an episode of "Kate"?

However, based on Hawking's shattering announcement, it might be a good idea not to let your kid bring home an M&M-munching, bug-eyed alien if he finds one. Just shoot it and burn the corpse.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Frankenstein Monster Attacks At Country Concert!

Wouldn't the above headline look simply smashin' on the cover of the National Enquirer?

The funny thing is, it really happened.

Toby Keith was performing in Cincinnati, Ohio when a really gung-ho fan named Forrest Frankenstein (yes, that's his real name) took "let's get drunk and be somebody" to a whole new level. He commenced raising cain and proving he's as good as he once was.

When police arrived on the scene, he threatened to, presumably, "put a boot up your a** -- it's the American way". They cuffed him and stuck him in the back of a squad car. But Frankenstein wasn't done yet. He proceeded to bang his head against the partition, thus ending up with a horizontal gash across his forehead that made him look a bit like -- well, like the Frankenstein monster.

When Frankenstein appeared in court to "talk about me", he insisted that he was so drunk he doesn't remember the incident.

A good caption for his mug shot might read, "How Do You Like Me Now?".