Friday, March 2, 2012

Criminals With Cajones . . . And A Cop On A Trike

Today, a Philadelphia PD bigwig got up, ate breakfast, prepared for his day, and headed to his work vehicle.

But then he noticed something was a little strange . . .

I wonder if that "Dial 911" decal is actually a cry for help to anyone who might spot people removing wheels from official police vehicles.

Houston, We Have A (Huge) Problem

NASA never ceases to amaze me.

Within the span of the last few years, they've managed some of the most incredible feats, made especially incredible considering they're a taxpayer-funded government agency. One of their latest feats includes losing a laptop.

I know, you're probably thinking that stuff probably happens to about one out of every ten laptop owners. Probably happens to businesses and organizations all the time.

But this situation is a little bit different.

See, this particular laptop includes a few little codes NASA may find useful someday. Codes to the International Space Station (see previous post regarding Space Stations and Swimming Pools). No biggie.

But seriously! This wouldn't be so bad, except they'd already begun the pattern in 2009, losing equipment and devices and gadgets (none of which are exactly cheap, to put it mildly), wrapping up their streak with Loss #48, the laptop containing the ISS codes. You would think someone would say, "Gee, we've been losing a ton of crap. Maybe we should start cracking down."

If they were a business, somebody would have lost a job a long time ago. Someone would have established a Loss Prevention department. Somebody would have done something so another multi-million-dollar item wouldn't suddenly drop out of inventory.

But NASA apparently just shrugs, and Congress keeps handing out the dough. After all, the taxpayers can handle it.

Oh, and this doesn't include the fact that their $58 million-per-year IT security has been breached approximately 54,000 times since 2010. Hey, guys! Yeah, you! The ones who send probes to the outer reaches of the solar system and calculate distances between stars! Ever hear of FIREWALLS AND ANTIVIRUS PROGRAMS? One trip to Best Buy could save you a lot of headaches. Where the heck is that $54 million a year going?

No wonder we haven't put anyone on the moon since 1972. We've had Laurel and Hardy running the show.

I hope after all this investment with my own hard-earned dollars I'll at least get the secret to the Rubik's Cube out of the deal. It seems they've got enough guys at NASA working on that.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

WORN-OUT JOKE ALERT! Urine Trouble Now . . .

So say you're hangin' at a bar in Georgia around closing time. You've had a few (or more) drinks, you're havin' a good old time, the stars are shining, the moon's bright . . .

And suddenly it starts to rain.

And there isn't a cloud in the sky.

That was the mystery that confronted early-morning Georgia revelers at 2 o'clock AM Saturday. A few of them probably thought it was just the alcohol messing with their heads.

But the answer came to them quickly when they looked up, squinted through the falling rain, and saw that the rain emanated from the urethra of an intoxicated University of Georgia student standing on a parking deck above.

Oh, and so was his buddy. Who also was spitting. Off the deck. Onto the patrons' heads.

Panic ensued. Sort of like happens in Japan whenever Godzilla decides to take a walk. Only this wasn't Godzilla. It was worse. It was pee.

Anyway, the cop who arrived on the scene cuffed the two young lushes, whereupon they were charged with public intoxication and urinating. Gee, if they press charges for public intoxication shouldn't they have slapped handcuffs on the pee-rain victims too? After all, it was two in the morning.

But the urinating charges should look lovely on their records. I can just see them filling out job applications.

Have you been convicted of any felonies? Yes
If so, please explain in detail:   .................................


Hey, at least he saved all those partiers a shower.

Touching . . . And A Little Weird?

Getting wedded over and over for years? Sweet. Dressing up like . . . THAT . . . to get married? At THAT age? Yeesh.

Seriously, a wedding like that would leave me feeling all shook up, even if it was my 102nd time doing it.

Not a whole lot needs to be said here.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Born In 1928, Woman Turns 21 In 2012 -- TIME TRAVEL!

Marcelin Corcoran of La Crescent, MN is has at long last reached the age of majority: She's old enough to buy liquor or firearms. She can play any game in a casino.

Assuming, of course, that her walker doesn't get in the way.

Doesn't she look GREAT?

Hey, cut her some slack, people. Come on. She may be only 21 years old, but those years have been rough.

I'm sure I got you all excited with the title of this post ("Oh boy, FINALLY Hiro Nakamura's secret has been unveiled!" [If you're asking "Who's Hiro Nakamura?" you're likely not enough of a nerd to have gotten excited at all]). But her aging secret is simple: Be born on February 29th.

Turns out Marcelin only gets a birthday every four years due to having been born on February 29th, that one annoying little day that gets tacked onto the end of February each Leap Year and messes up life for everybody (if you don't count the presidential elections). So, when one does the math like kids knew how to do back in 1928, it figures that February 29th, 2012, is Marcelin's 21st birthday.

So next time someone whines that they can't WAIT to turn 21 and it's SO FAR AWAY, just share the epic tale of Marcelin Corcoran. Not only did she have to wait longer to reach 21, but she also acquired a lot more wrinkles along the way.

A dose of perspective, courtesy The Blurt Blog.