Chelsea Is Getting Married . . . WHEW!

Well, our favorite gal of the 90's is getting married.

And no, I do not refer to Gillian Anderson.

Wedding bells are ringing for Chelsea Clinton, who is getting married in New York to her boyfriend, Marc Mezvinsky.

A heartwarming thought . . .

I mean, WHEW! Now the suspense is over. I'm sure eligible men around the Clinton family circle were kind of keeping a low profile, hoping they wouldn't be selected as The One.

Marc has lifted the pall.

Think about it. Even though Chelsea had plastic surgery (a rumor neither confirmed nor denied, but kind of obvious based on "before and after" photos), she isn't exactly a runner-up for the next Miss America pageant.

Yeesh . . . .

Somebody got saddled with all Mom and Dad's distinctly unattractive features, and none of the attractive.

I have yet to find Billary's attractive features, but that's beside the point.

And speaking of Billary, who'd want either of them for in-laws?

Politics aside, that is.

Marc will soon have a crack-snorting father-in-law who has a notoriously difficult time keeping his reproductive urges in check.

His new mother-in-law is the Secretary of State! Holy buckets, man! What were you THINKING? You think having an everyday, average, common American mother-in-law can be tough? This is gonna be a treat.

Most mothers-in-law only THINK they run the country.

Marc, Marc, Marc . . .

Of course, we all know there's money involved. Marc is an investment banker for Goldman Sachs. He's also the son of two Congresspeople -- Edward Mezvinsky (a convicted scammer), and Marjorie Mezvinsky, former NBC reporter. Cha-ching for Chelsea!

And we also know that the Clintons are doing QUITE well for themselves. The Clintons reportedly made $109 million from 2000 to 2007. Moola for Marc!

Not a bad nest egg to marry into.

But still . . . assuming Marc is marrying for money (not a crazy assumption considering the money is the one good thing in the deal) . . .

Is having an ugly, snobbish wife, a power-hungry politician mother-in-law, and a drug-addicted sex machine father-in-law worth it?

Surely there were a few money moguls on Wall Street with eligible daughters with whom he could have tied the knot.

Heck, where was he when Carrie Underwood or Megan Fox were still available? They have money AND look better than Chelsea ever could!

But the good news is, young men in the Clinton social arena can breathe easy. The danger of Clinton talons sinking into them is over . . .

Until Marc and Chelsea split.

Which isn't entirely impossible.

The Rebellion Began In New York

Turns out it wasn't all that long ago, and the galaxy isn't so far away. So much for the hype.

As Princess Leia attempted to meet up with some Wall Street moguls in hopes of gaining financing for the Galactic Rebellion, she took the subway in an attempt to avoid attention.

Perhaps reading the "Galactic Rebellion For Dummies" book with the cover up where the whole car could read it wasn't the most subtle.

Who knows . . . maybe someone spotted her and called National Security.

Either way, the Empire got a tip and tracked her into the bowels of New York City.

I thought for certain the Princess would figure out what was happening when three guys dressed up like Motocross racers in full body armor entered the car.

She's got to be the most oblivious gal in the galaxy.

Even with stormtroopers leaning over her and all her fellow passengers in turmoil, Leia kept right on reading surefire tips on defeating an Evil Empire. I wonder if she'd even gotten to the "Be Aware Of Your Surroundings" chapter.

Anyway, next thing she knows, the stormtroopers are yanking her to her feet. Well, not so much "yanking" . . . she didn't even offer the slightest resistance.

At this point, I thought surely it was a trap she'd set up for the stormtroopers. I mean, no resistance whatsoever? What else could it be, right?

Then Darth Vader walked in at the Houston Street stop, and I know it was for real.

At least she gave the cover of being on a diplomatic mission to Alderaan. But Vader obviously saw right through that one. Earth isn't anywhere along the way to Alderaan. Even your grade-school astronomy student knows that much.

Just when I thought the world had a chance, I realized that we're resting our hopes on some really bumbling people.

I think it's due to the crappy screenwriting. George Lucas really needs to work on that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3jT0fwWPM1Y