My, Haven't We Matured

So somebody actually took the time (and, presumably, government grant money) to seek out the world's oldest jokes.


The oldest joke found so far dates from 1900 BC Sumeria (Iraq).


Talk about ancient, right? And when we think of old jokes, we think of philosophical quips. You know, the kind of stuff you read from Shakespeare in literature class, and the teacher has to inform you that what you just read was a joke. And then, when the joke was explained to you, you didn't laugh because an explained joke isn't nearly as funny, especially when it went over your head in the first place.


1900 BC is WAY more ancient than Shakespeare, so, logically, the humor in that kind of culture should be so archaic even Shakespeare would be left scratching his literate head.


Noop. Even a contemporary six-year-old would giggle at this. Contemporary grown-ups, however, would probably shake their heads in disgust.


"Oo!" you say, wriggling in anticipation. "What's the joke? How does it go? Tell me! Tell me!"


Here you go:

Something that has not happened since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap.

Hee hee! Funny, right?


-crickets chirping-


I have a hunch ancient Sumerian comedians hired writers to cook up their jokes, sorta like David Letterman does.


This sounds like something out of a Top Ten List.


"Top Ten Things That Haven't Happened Since Time Immemorial!"


(ding!)


"Number Ten! A woman farting in her husband's lap!"


One problem -- they didn't have canned laughter to fill in the bored silence in 1900 BC. Dave wouldn't have made it back in the day.

Lady Gaga Acts Mature . . . For A Few Seconds

During a show in Washington DC this past week, pop wacko -- I mean, icon -- Lady Gaga actually halted her show in the middle of "Monster" to interfere in a catfight between two concertgoers. She halted the music, rebuked the squabblers, then asked to make sure if they were okay.

"I don't know who hit who," she said, sounding much like a mother standing over her six-year-old children.

This is reminiscent (in some remote ways) to a Tim McGraw concert a couple of years back, in which Tim spotted a guy pawing at a girl, who was not welcoming the attention. Tim physically hauled the guy (who turned out to be drunk) onto the stage and had his guards haul him out of there. Then he went on singing "Indian Outlaw".

But here is where things take a different turn. Lady Gaga, after emphasizing that "we're all about peace and unity and love here" struck a pose with arms over her head and hip out (in a tight black one-piece) and asked in a sultry voice, "Do you think I'm sexy?"

Oh, pu-leeeeeze . . .

Just when she was about to look halfway mature, she caught herself just in time and bounced back into her fragmented style. What the HECK? Who breaks up a fight just to follow up by asking if they're considered sexy?

TWICE?

After assuring the audience that she thought they were sexy too, she spun around and fell to the stage, where she lay in a pose reminiscent of Madonna in "Like A Virgin", where she proceeded say, "Does anybody want to know what I hate more than anything? I hate the truth. In fact, I hate the truth so much I prefer a giant dose of bulls*** any day."

So . . . when people cheered as you asked if they thought you were sexy, would you have preferred that they boo? Were you lying when you said, "I think you're sexy." Is your show really NOT about peace and love and unity?

Nothing made sense here, much like one of her out-of-a-bad-dream music videos. Too bad she had to ruin the moment by acting just as childish as the showgoers whose fight she broke up.

As Jerry Seinfeld put it, "You know what you get when you remove an 'a' from her name? Lady Gag."

I dunno, Jerry . . . how could her appearance on the cover of Vogue in a raw-meat bikini possibly be gaggy?

Lady Gaga's brush with maturity, then her (over?)compensation for it.

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1.02.28

Romanian Witches Dodge New Law For A Spell

Romanian lawmakers just recently rejected a proposal from the Democratic Liberal Party to impose a tax on witches and fortune tellers.

The new law would also require these capitalists of the spirit world to produce receipts (Palm reading: $10; Tarot card reading: $10; Exorcism: $50; Love potion: $30 -- Total: $100.00) and hold them responsible for wrong predictions and other screw-ups (Fortunetelling Witch Misreads Palm; Uses Wrong Tarot Deck; Exorcises Demon Which Falls In Love With Exorcee When Love Potion Misfires).

No doubt, since the popular decision that vampires only exist in the Twilight world, Romania has grown dull and boring. The new law would have really livened things up.

Especially since, as lawmakers believed, if the law had passed, those who voted for the bill risked being cursed by the witches.

Shoot, what country couldn't use having a few legislators turning into toads or having their gonads wither up and fall off?

Yes, the passage of that law could have done great things for Romania.

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1.02.28

Riding Naked For The Planet

Hundreds of people come rolling down a Philadelphia street on bicycles. People watching from the sidewalk, from windows, and from cars are hooting, laughing, pointing, snapping pictures. You take a closer look at the cyclists as they get closer.

And you realize that the cyclists are . . . (gasp) naked.

What’s the first thing that comes to your mind?

Cleaner air, of course.

Which is good, because that’s exactly what these nude nuts are trying to do. The Philly Naked Bike Ride is an annual event in September that takes place to promote “bicycling awareness and  cleaner air”.

Of course, the fact that some people just like to get out there and strut it all had absolutely nothing to do with it.

After pedaling together for several miles through the City of Brotherly Love, the cyclists wheeled off to their homes, leaving the populace laughing, groaning, texting, uploading.

Yup. Everybody sure talked for a long time about cleaner air after that.

All sarcasm aside, there’s no doubt the cyclists accomplished one thing: They certainly raised bicycling awareness.

Hey, who wants to take the kids to Philly next year?

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1.02.28

Accept The Apology, Taylor -- Or Else!

It's been a year since rapper Kanye West barged into Taylor Swift's VMA acceptance speech and left her stammering.

Now he's making it up to her in the most humble gesture imaginable.

"I've written a song for Taylor, and it's so beautiful," he says.

Aww . . . a song HE wrote, for TAYLOR to perform. And he, the writer, has proclaimed that it's "so beautiful". The selflessness and humility bring tears to one's eyes.

Oh, and it doesn't end there. If Taylor won't accept it and perform it, then goshdarn it, he'll perform it himself.

What happened to a card and maybe some flowers? It almost sounds like he's gonna apologize with a display of his self-adored talents, and force it on her if she doesn't like it.

And seriously -- a rapper writing a song for a country artist? It's sorta like an impressionist painter having Pablo Picasso paint something the impressionist cooked up in his own imagination. It's asking for a clash of styles. Big time.

I dunno . . . right now all I can see is Taylor Swift cringing and smiling in embarrassment and secretly wishing she would die while Kanye West makes a fool of himself. Again.

Those VMA's are getting more and more interesting all the time.

General Rule Of Thumb: If You Want To Buy Pot, Don't Text The Sheriff

Picture this: You’re minding your own business on an otherwise normal day, and you get the following text --

hey dawg do u have a $20 i can buy rite now?

That’s what happened to Sheriff Leo Dutton of Lewis and Clark County in Montana.

A teenager, eager to get his experimental paws on some dope, had shot a text to (he thought) a pot-dealing buddy. Only one problem: He’d punched in a wrong digit and ended up texting the cops.

Oops.

Sheriff Dutton and a detective set up a meet with the teen and his equally experimental buddy at a local store. The kids turned up with one adult, who turned out to be the oblivious father to one of the boys.

The detective walked up to the boys and showed his badge.

One of the boys fainted on the spot.

No charges or fines came out of the matter once the parents of the two boys were made aware of the situation.

My question is, why wasn’t Dope-Dealin’ Dan on the boys’ speed dial?

Perhaps when you’re using dope, you are what you smoke.

Stephen Hawking Warns About The Dangers Of Alien Contact

Stephen Hawking, that famous ultranerd/astrophysicist, expressed a novel concept recently on the Discovery Channel.

Earthlings should avoid alien contact at all costs because in all likelihood the aliens would only attack, raid our planet's resources, and depart.

Uh, thanks, Steve, but we already knew that. We've seen the movie.

But what are the odds of an actual alien race existing somewhere out there?

According to his modestly self-proclaimed "mathematical brain", the odds are quite high.

Again, we already knew that. Anyone who lives in New York City or Los Angeles has experienced several different alien invasions within the past few decades (and the rest of us, in turn, watched it all unfold on the big screen).

So how is this big news? Why did the Discovery Channel ask Stephen Hawking to expound on this when they could have just asked a film director from Hollywood and gotten the same response?

Besides, the Discovery Channel should be more than aware that we face a more immediate danger than resource-depleting aliens -- how about gun-wielding, bomb-wearing, overpopulation-crazed envirokids who go homocidal when they see an episode of "Kate"?

However, based on Hawking's shattering announcement, it might be a good idea not to let your kid bring home an M&M-munching, bug-eyed alien if he finds one. Just shoot it and burn the corpse.

Frankenstein Monster Attacks At Country Concert!

Wouldn't the above headline look simply smashin' on the cover of the National Enquirer?

The funny thing is, it really happened.

Toby Keith was performing in Cincinnati, Ohio when a really gung-ho fan named Forrest Frankenstein (yes, that's his real name) took "let's get drunk and be somebody" to a whole new level. He commenced raising cain and proving he's as good as he once was.

When police arrived on the scene, he threatened to, presumably, "put a boot up your a** -- it's the American way". They cuffed him and stuck him in the back of a squad car. But Frankenstein wasn't done yet. He proceeded to bang his head against the partition, thus ending up with a horizontal gash across his forehead that made him look a bit like -- well, like the Frankenstein monster.

When Frankenstein appeared in court to "talk about me", he insisted that he was so drunk he doesn't remember the incident.

A good caption for his mug shot might read, "How Do You Like Me Now?".

Stuffed In With The Stuffed Animals

Ever look at a stuffed animal and think, “Aaaaawww, it looks so CUTE! And so REAL!”

That’s what Bangkok security officers thought when scanning a suitcase full of stuffed animals boarding a plan to Iran.

I mean, the stuffed tiger had a skeleton and everything!

Upon closer examination, they found that the Tai woman who owned the luggage had sedated a two-month-old tiger cub and was trying to smuggle it out of the country among a slew of (other?) stuffed animals.

Oops. Guess she forgot about the miracle of the x-ray.

The woman has been arrested, presumably for kitty-napping (not to be confused with catnapping, which in most countries is still legal).

What was she thinking? Hadn’t she considered that an x-ray can pick up tigers as well as humans?

Sounds like she failed to Tai up the loose ends of her plan.

Sumos Get High-Tech

You’re huge, you’re obese, you make a rhino look tiny, and your livelihood depends on it.

What prevents you from integrating into the modern technological world?

Big fingers.

Why? You can’t text.

This is bad. Really bad.

So what do you do?

Get your boss to give you an iPad, of course.

Such is the dilemma (and resulting solution) rocking the ranks of the Japan Sumo Association. Sumo wrestlers have a tough time punching the tiny keys on cell phones, their chubby fingers tending to hit multiple keys at once.

In order to improve communication among the wrestlers and JSA officials, sumo wrestlers are being issued the latest iFad -- the iPad.

Oversized touch screen keys on the iPad will allow sumos to develop texter’s thumb just like the members of the not-so-grotesquely-sized world.

Previously to this, sumos were restricted to the primitive means of communication known as fax, email, and telephone (talking into telephones, that is).

But now sumos can fit into society once again.

“ROTFL -- and trying to figure out how to get back up.”

Poor, Persecuted, Mature Lindsey Lohan

Dina Lohan, Lindsey Lohan's mom, is angry.

Lindsey doesn't deserve the 90 days of jail time mandated by a judge.

Lindsey has matured. She's grown up. All the negative stuff we've heard about her is sensationalized trash.

Dina insists that Lindsey has matured since her youthful indiscretions, and doesn't deserve the results of her latest run-in with the law.

Okay. Let's assume the two-time-DUI Lindsey has indeed grown up.

Remind me why she got a 90-day jail sentence (of which, I might add, she only served 13)?

And why does she have to undergo rehab, as per court mandate?

Oh yeah. That's right.

DRUGS.

Most people wouldn't call going from DUI's to drug rehab a sign of maturity.

They'd call it something like escalation. Or maybe a worsening of symptoms. Folks who do this stuff are generally considered individuals of poor judgment, at the very least.

But Dina knows Lindsey is an exception. Lindsey is a responsible adult -- a misunderstood, persecuted, responsible adult haphazardly and evilly singled out by the media for no apparent reason.

Of course, unbiased observers such as you and me knew that already.

Gimme My Nuggets!

This video doesn't need much explanation.

Police in Toledo recently released this security footage, much to the hilarity of all who saw it.

Apparently this nutjob REALLY likes her McNuggets.

She went to McDonalds early in the morning when the breakfast menu was the only thing going. She drove right up to the drive-thru window demanding McNuggets NOW.

She was told, too bad. McNuggets wouldn't be served until closer to lunchtime.

Melodi Dushane went berserk, as you can see above.

I've heard of people flipping out because they couldn't get a drug fix, or losing their cool because they REALLY needed that cigarette and couldn't have it -- but THIS is definitely a close competitor for the most loony withdrawal rage I've ever seen.

Oh well. Maybe she'll get all the McNuggets she wants while she serves her two-month jail sentence.

A Little Bit Of Fame Can Be Way Too Much

Steve Holmes, England, kinda likes rap artist Kanye West.

When Kanye joined Twitter, Holmes was among the 461,000-odd people who began following him.

Kanye randomly chose just one person to follow on Twitter -- Steve Holmes.

Pretty cool, huh? I mean, how many everyday, average Joes end up with a celebrity following them on Twitter?

Holmes geeked out.

And then the nightmare began.

Holmes’ number of Twitter followers spiked to over 6,000. News media inundated Holmes, asking for interviews. Wannabe artists flooded Holmes’ email inbox with questions for Kanye West, even sending music samples for critique and/or sponsorship. One person sent Holmes a music video.

Holmes is overwhelmed and regretting that he even heard of Kanye West. As he said himself, he doesn’t even like the guy all that much.

Who would, especially after Kanye’s antics at the VMA’s, when he deliberately stole Taylor Swift’s thunder? (Just Google “Kanye West Taylor Swift” for the full story.)

Okay, so what are these people thinking? Put yourself in the shoes of a TV or newspaper or magazine interviewer. There’s only so much juice you can squeeze out of this story. Ordinary guy being followed on Twitter by Kanye West. That’s it. Big deal.

And who in their right mind thinks ordinary, average guy Steve Holmes is going to have any influence over Kanye West? “Here, check out this music from somebody I don’t know and let him know, through me, what you think.”

Yeah. I don’t think Kanye would bother.

This kind of mentality is actually a little screwed up. One ordinary guy gets a tenuous connection to a celebrity (and not exactly a role model celebrity at that), and suddenly ordinary guy becomes flooded with attention.

He doesn’t KNOW Kanye West. Hasn’t worked with him, spoken with him to any extent, didn’t even grow up in the same country as Kanye West. Yet everyone wants their piece of Steve Holmes’ nebulous pie.

Don’t people have anything better to do?

Apparently not.

Holmes has since turned off the Twitter app on his phone, seeking peace from the brouhaha. “I really have no desire for this attention . . . Surprisingly not everyone wants to be famous,” he tweeted.

Fame is a disease, apparently.

My question is: If you really don’t want this attention, why don’t you just cut all ties with Kanye West? Get rid of the source of the problem, and the problem disappears.

Maybe having a rapper follow you on Twitter is worth the annoyance after all?

Bristol -- Helping Sarah's Public Image

I’ve already made some snide remarks about a prominent Democrat’s daughter.

It’s only fair I move on to a prominent Republican’s daughter.

And who better to pick on than the daughter of the GOP’s sweetheart, Bristol Palin?

You probably heard of 19-year-old Bristol’s announcement that she was engaged (again) to her baby’s father, Levi Johnston. That announcement was made official on July 14.

You probably also heard of the engagement’s termination (again), also made official on July 14.

The media is lapping this one up. Love! Intrigue! Betrayal!

First Bristol made things a little awkward for her mom by getting pregnant at about the time the then-vice-presidential candidate was touting her convictions about teen abstinence.

Since then, Bristol has attempted to smooth the awkwardness over by getting engaged to Levi -- then breaking up with him -- then getting engaged to him again and breaking up with him again practically on the same day.

Wow.

Yeah, you’re really helping out your mom’s attempt to build a Mayberry RFD public image ahead of the 2012 elections.

Sarah Palin has some backpedaling to do.

First of all, if I were to give Sarah some advice, I would start by telling her to scrap the whole “perfect family” façade. It ain’t exactly working.

Second, I’d tell her to go for the “average, dysfunctional, drama-saturated, can’t-keep-a-commitment, my-teenage-daughter-is-pregnant American family” look. Reasons? One: That’s what the Palin household is. Just cut the crap and admit it. Two: If you want to identify with the average American family (i.e., potential voters), this is the way to do it. You’re walking their walk, you’re living their life.

But I suppose that would mean going for the “honest politician” look. That, of course, would be declaring to the American public that you’re full of it, since we all know there’s no such thing.

Yup, the Palin clan is in a bit of a tough spot.

All thanks to Bristol and her sound judgment regarding sex and relationships.

I wonder if somewhere about now, Sarah is swatting Bristol on the back of the head.

“Is there anything ELSE stupid you can do?”

Well . . . she could always become her mom’s publicist.

"Vote for my mom! She may not be able to make me toe the line, but she'll do a great job running an entire country!"

Oh yeah. I'm sold.

The International Space Swimming Pool

Okay, so say you and several neighbors decide you all want to chip in together on a community swimming pool.

The pool will cost $160,000, and let’s say there are sixteen neighbors, including yourself, in on this plan.

That means a cost of $10,000 for each person.

But you’re already in debt. You owe over a million dollars.

Wouldn’t you agree that investing in a swimming pool would not be a smart financial decision?

More bluntly, it would be stupid.

Sixteen nations chipped in on ISS, the International Space Station. This project’s total cost was $100 billion.

Let’s assume those 16 nations divided the cost evenly (that isn’t likely, but let’s say that was the case). Breaking out the calculator . . .

$625 million per country.

This isn’t even figuring in the cost of sending people up there to man the station, the supplies, the administration, the maintenance, and the repairs.

Currently, international crews are scrambling to fix some major issues on the Space Station. How much will these repairs cost?

God knows.

The United States is in debt like never before. People are losing jobs, losing homes. We’ve seen a rise in people standing on street corners with cardboard signs.

Never mind that. We have important stuff to do. We have to fix the Space Station.

Going back to the swimming pool analogy, what would you do if you had to choose between pulling yourself out of debt or building a recreational spot? Opt out of the swimming pool project, or go ahead with it?

I don’t think you have to be an economics whiz to figure this out.

But hey, what do I know? I don’t think like a bureaucrat.

I’m sure whoever appropriates NASA funding knows what’s best for our struggling populace. If they decide fixing an orbiting chunk of metal is more important than fixing the economy, that must be the case.

After all, to question the bureaucrats would mean questioning our own intelligence in voting these yahoos into office.

And nobody wants to go there . . .

Bill Cosby . . . And Life After Death

It seems celebrities have the power to rise from the dead.

Repeatedly.

The internet has just recently exploded with frenzied announcements that comedy legend Bill Cosby has died.

For the second time this year.

Google searches are blazing with search phrases such as “Bill Cosby dead” (and its variations). “Bill Cosby died” is the number one trend on Twitter.

The Twitter-savvy Bill Cosby freaked out internet gossip-hounds by Tweeting from the grave -- or so they thought -- to “rebuttal” the rumor.

Never mind about proper word usage. Bill is back. And he’s going to interview with Larry King to prove it.

Bill Cosby isn’t the first celebrity to suffer untimely death at the hands of internet hoaxers.

Think of some annoying celebs, just off the top of your head.

Tom Cruise . . . Of course.

Miley Cyrus . . . She never ceases to bug people.

And of course, the currently prevalent teen sensation, Justin Bieber.

That’s just to start the list.

All these people are faces and voices you encounter practically every day -- on the screen, on tabloid covers, on the radio, online . . . EVERYWHERE!

Aren’t you sick of it already? Me too.

And, I’m guessing, so are several internet rumor-starters/hoaxers.

Cruise, Cyrus, and Bieber have all died multiple times thanks to the ever-accurate announcements of forums, Twitter, Facebook, and blogs, only to rise from the grave to assure people that they had never died in the first place.

Darn it!

Just when we begin to entertain hopes that the rumor might be true, they’re dashed to the earth.

But today was a good day. We would have genuinely missed Bill Cosby.

Let’s just hope we don’t see any Tweets from Michael Jackson.

Like A Surgeon (General)

Rumor has it, after a recent photo of Madonna holding a cigarette, that the pop/rock/sex icon has resumed the habit.

Madonna denies it.

Speculation abounds: Is she lying? Is she hiding a filthy, unhealthy habit from the world?

Or is she telling the truth? Her publicist has said the photo in question was simply a promo for an upcoming film in which Madonna is to appear, and that the death stick was nothing more than a prop.

These are the things journalists are scrambling to cover. The answer to such mysteries is what keeps the paparazzi snapping away. The search for the truth is what motivates readers of magazines and online gossip columns to get up in the morning.

Make your own breakfast, kids -- I'm trying to find out if Madonna is smoking.

Americans don't have enough going on in their own lives to fret about and keep them awake at night.

They need to track the health habits of celebrities.

I mean, if Madonna dies of lung cancer, what will become of us all?

This is serious stuff.

Now here's the really disturbing part, the point that makes me question my own humanity: I DON'T CARE.

What's wrong with me? Why don't I discuss this with my wife while we sort bills? Why don't I stare out the window and speculate over Madonna and cigarettes? Why don't I regularly Google "Madonna" and "smoking" in hopes of finding the most recent develpoment on the issue?

Am I emotionally dead? Am I in some sort of apathetic state that makes me indifferent to things that apparently matter to the rest of the world? Why is it that I rate world events, philosophical beliefs, and the contents of my refrigerator as more pressing and relevant to my life than a celebrity's decision to resume smoking (or not)?

Maybe I should start examining these things in more detail.

Perhaps the actions of the stars do hold influence over my life after all.

But until I find this to be true, I'll resume plucking my nosehairs and trying to raise my family wiith solid values.

I know. I'm a backwards Philistine.

The Looker Vs. The Banking Giant

Sometimes women get hired for their looks.

Debrahlee Lorenzana was fired for hers.

At Citibank’s Chrysler Building, Lorenzana found that, though she dressed and behaved professionally, her good looks made her coworkers and bosses uncomfortable.

In 2008, they canned her.

Now she’s suing them for discrimination.

Citibank insists that the lawsuit is “without merit” but out of respect for their employees’ privacy declined to “comment more specifically on this litigation, this former employee's overall performance, or the reasons for her termination.”

Now, I’m trying to be objective here.

Maybe she was fired for legitimate reasons, whatever they might have been, and she’s using this to get a little center stage time.

Or maybe Citibank is guilty of discrimination, and they indeed fired her for being hot. Their comments (or lack thereof) don’t exactly make for a good image, though.

Either way, Lorenzana is lapping up the attention. Whenever the camera is pointed her way, she poses -- hip out, hair over one eye, lips slightly parted in a sultry pout. Her picture has turned up everywhere, comparatively speaking, since the lawsuit hit the headlines.

And we can't forget the fact that she went through liposuction and two breast enhancement surgeries prior to this whole incident, so it's obvious she's been trying for quite some time to look as attractive as she possibly can. After all, she admitted in a documentary about breast surgery that she's on the hunt for a man. "I know men have the fantasy of having a Playboy playmate. That's what I want to be. T**s on a stick."

So is she enjoying this media attention?

Yessir yabetcha!

“I’m no Angelina Jolie,” she insists, and I agree. Angelina Jolie looks like an anorexic mummy with balloon lips. Lorenzana has it all (albeit artificially), and she knows it, struts it, and is capitalizing on it.

Which makes me wonder: If she has the looks and loves the attention, why didn’t she just cut the crap and go into modeling in the first place? Citibank? Really?

I don’t have all the details of the case, so I’m not going to say whether I think she has a true complaint or not. But it’s pretty plain she’s set on coming out of this thing with SOMETHING -- if not a nice chunk of change, then lots and lots of attention.

I’m surprised major movie studios haven’t been calling her yet.

She doesn’t have to know how to act. Taylor Swift proved that.

"Don't Push That Button, Cap'n!"

“Warp Factor Five, Scotty.”

Captain Kirk would throw out terms like “warp factor”, “photon torpedo” and other mind-blowing technological terms throughout the original Star Trek series.

Cool, right?

Problem is, while he wowed Trekkies in the height of his day, William Shatner has a dirty secret.

He didn’t know what the heck he was talking about.

In a recent interview, Bill confessed that modern technology is beyond his scope of comprehension. Twitter? Computer passwords? Forget it.

No wonder the crew of the Enterprise kept getting into so much trouble. Their captain didn’t have a clue. Apparently he had difficulty just sending an email back to Earth for a little help.

Can you picture this email?

“Subject: What Does This Button Do?”

Referring, of course, to the little “Send” button above the email he is so desperately trying to -- well, send.

Or maybe the Enterprise kept getting into so much trouble without much repercussion because Kirk’s inbox was stuffed full of orders to return to Earth ASAP for court martial, but he just didn’t have the savvy to figure out that “You’ve Got Mail” didn’t mean he had a backlog of letters waiting at the Post Office.

I dunno . . . I think even Spock would raise his eyebrows a little bit.

Speaking of whom, Leonard Nimoy is busy promoting technology left and right. Here are a couple of examples:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=71meib_q0MY&feature=player_embedded#!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHso0wDMxqA&feature=player_embedded

Granted, Nimoy is just using a script, but still . . . He certainly has a grasp of Twitter, as opposed to Shatner’s expressed befuddlement regarding the concept. Here’s where you can find Nimoy on Twitter:

http://twitter.com/leonardnimoy

The point is, why was Kirk captain of the Enterprise while Spock was clearly more in tune to how actually run a computer?

I think it’s just another example of politics at work. It’s not WHAT you know . . . It’s WHO you know. Obviously Kirk knew all the right people to get him into command.

Spock? Well, he’s from another planet. Who’d trust a guy from another planet to fly a spaceship?

Chelsea Is Getting Married . . . WHEW!

Well, our favorite gal of the 90's is getting married.

And no, I do not refer to Gillian Anderson.

Wedding bells are ringing for Chelsea Clinton, who is getting married in New York to her boyfriend, Marc Mezvinsky.

A heartwarming thought . . .

I mean, WHEW! Now the suspense is over. I'm sure eligible men around the Clinton family circle were kind of keeping a low profile, hoping they wouldn't be selected as The One.

Marc has lifted the pall.

Think about it. Even though Chelsea had plastic surgery (a rumor neither confirmed nor denied, but kind of obvious based on "before and after" photos), she isn't exactly a runner-up for the next Miss America pageant.

Yeesh . . . .

Somebody got saddled with all Mom and Dad's distinctly unattractive features, and none of the attractive.

I have yet to find Billary's attractive features, but that's beside the point.

And speaking of Billary, who'd want either of them for in-laws?

Politics aside, that is.

Marc will soon have a crack-snorting father-in-law who has a notoriously difficult time keeping his reproductive urges in check.

His new mother-in-law is the Secretary of State! Holy buckets, man! What were you THINKING? You think having an everyday, average, common American mother-in-law can be tough? This is gonna be a treat.

Most mothers-in-law only THINK they run the country.

Marc, Marc, Marc . . .

Of course, we all know there's money involved. Marc is an investment banker for Goldman Sachs. He's also the son of two Congresspeople -- Edward Mezvinsky (a convicted scammer), and Marjorie Mezvinsky, former NBC reporter. Cha-ching for Chelsea!

And we also know that the Clintons are doing QUITE well for themselves. The Clintons reportedly made $109 million from 2000 to 2007. Moola for Marc!

Not a bad nest egg to marry into.

But still . . . assuming Marc is marrying for money (not a crazy assumption considering the money is the one good thing in the deal) . . .

Is having an ugly, snobbish wife, a power-hungry politician mother-in-law, and a drug-addicted sex machine father-in-law worth it?

Surely there were a few money moguls on Wall Street with eligible daughters with whom he could have tied the knot.

Heck, where was he when Carrie Underwood or Megan Fox were still available? They have money AND look better than Chelsea ever could!

But the good news is, young men in the Clinton social arena can breathe easy. The danger of Clinton talons sinking into them is over . . .

Until Marc and Chelsea split.

Which isn't entirely impossible.

Jessi Slaughter Wants An End To The Hate . . . And A Brain Slushy

So this little girl who goes by the online moniker of "Jessi Slaughter" is under fire.

Apparently some internet geeks singled her out by calling her nasty names and announcing that she'd been raped by a friend at a concert.

The latter assertion being false, of course.

And all 11-year-old Jessi wants to do is stop the hate.

So she makes a video and posts it on YouTube and other sites.

Does she use a little sugar to smooth it over, maybe plead with her online harassers to lay off?

"I'm happy with my life okay? And if you can't, like, realize that and stop hating you know what? I'll pop a Glock in your mouth and make a brain slushy. Because you hater b*****s? You're just, like, jealous of me. Stop hating on me. I'm just a normal girl who's perfect in every way and you're just jealous."

She then proceeded to flip off the camera.

She later told interviewers: "I just want it to kind of like turn positive," she said. "And I kind of do like the attention but I don't like so much negative attention."

Uh-huh.

Sounds like you're on the fast track for sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows, kiddo.

I mean, come on. Some people fight fires with water.

But GASOLINE?

Geez . . .

Maybe that lip piercing you're so proud of is interfering with a nerve to your brain.

So what were the results of that sweet little video?

Death threats! LOTS of them! Now Jessi is afraid to leave the house.

Imagine THAT!

You can just FEEL the love . . .

Later, Jessi created another video, this time breaking down for the webcam, detailing how her tormentors are ruining her life, barely coherent through the tears.

Just when you think this video might soften the hardest of hearts, Daddy comes to assist.

He gets on his knees so the cam will pick him up, and starts shouting.

He ends his tirade with the loving epithet of, "You lying little pr**ks!"

Thanks for the help, Dad.

Now the local cops have a detective stopping by Jessi's house to teach her how to properly and safely use the internet.

The words "barn door" and "horse" come to mind here for some reason . . . .

She's also getting trauma counseling.

Show of hands: How many people here think a good grounding (maybe loss of computer privileges) and a little discipline would be a good addition?

But what do I know.

I don't know what it's like to have a social network that's exclusively online.

The Rebellion Began In New York

Turns out it wasn't all that long ago, and the galaxy isn't so far away. So much for the hype.

As Princess Leia attempted to meet up with some Wall Street moguls in hopes of gaining financing for the Galactic Rebellion, she took the subway in an attempt to avoid attention.

Perhaps reading the "Galactic Rebellion For Dummies" book with the cover up where the whole car could read it wasn't the most subtle.

Who knows . . . maybe someone spotted her and called National Security.

Either way, the Empire got a tip and tracked her into the bowels of New York City.

I thought for certain the Princess would figure out what was happening when three guys dressed up like Motocross racers in full body armor entered the car.

She's got to be the most oblivious gal in the galaxy.

Even with stormtroopers leaning over her and all her fellow passengers in turmoil, Leia kept right on reading surefire tips on defeating an Evil Empire. I wonder if she'd even gotten to the "Be Aware Of Your Surroundings" chapter.

Anyway, next thing she knows, the stormtroopers are yanking her to her feet. Well, not so much "yanking" . . . she didn't even offer the slightest resistance.

At this point, I thought surely it was a trap she'd set up for the stormtroopers. I mean, no resistance whatsoever? What else could it be, right?

Then Darth Vader walked in at the Houston Street stop, and I know it was for real.

At least she gave the cover of being on a diplomatic mission to Alderaan. But Vader obviously saw right through that one. Earth isn't anywhere along the way to Alderaan. Even your grade-school astronomy student knows that much.

Just when I thought the world had a chance, I realized that we're resting our hopes on some really bumbling people.

I think it's due to the crappy screenwriting. George Lucas really needs to work on that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3jT0fwWPM1Y

So What's With The Whale?

Hey, welcome to the Blurt Blog!

This is where I share a bunch of thoughts -- random stuff. You know, politics, music, YouTube, books, movies, you name it.

Except for Telletubbies. Telletubbies = off limits!

So my first thought?

Whales.

Yeah, whales.

You heard about that whale that jumped out of the water and landed on a sailboat, right?

Apparently some people have accused the couple on the boat of harassing the whale, and thus ticking it off.

Others insist the incident never happened, and the photo we saw all over the news was just some really good Photoshop finesse.

Well, if you watch the VIDEO (yes, there is a real video -- take that, Photoshop conspiracy theorists!), you’ll see the whale is a good hundred feet from the boat at the start.

How are you going to stand in a sailboat and harass a whale from a hundred feet away?

Seriously.

"HEY, YOU STUPID WHALE! YOUR MOM WEARS ARMY FLIPPERS!"

Maybe throw some rocks at it?

Wait, I know . . . They were using WHALE RACIAL SLURS!

What’s a derogatory term for a RIGHT WHALE? Rush Limbaugh?

Seriously, though, check out the photo at the top of the post. It's the picture of the whale “attacking” the boat.

Remove the boat, and what do you see?

A right whale. Breaching.

Like whales do -- ALL THE TIME.

Check it out:

http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://img.mailchimp.com/2008/10/30/044bce6a71/right_whale_pix.jpg&imgrefurl=http://us1.campaign-archive.com/%3Fu%3D946679e7fe51bbf81ce578cc1%26id%3Da6a12e2cab%26e%3D%255BUNIQID%255D&h=674&w=601&sz=64&tbnid=FUgkHWrTP59lGM:&tbnh=138&tbnw=123&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dright%2Bwhale%2Bbreaching%2Bphoto&hl=en&usg=__WSWStWgPWekU8aAfIkKzsMcFeZQ=&sa=X&ei=tKpNTPaTLNy1nAffnITYCw&ved=0CCcQ9QEwAw

But no -- the boaters couldn't possibly have been in the wrong place at the wrong time.

THEY WERE HARASSING THE WHALE!

Hello! Humans are inherently EVIL and STUPID and WANT to tick off something that weighs 40 TONS.

Give me a break.

Keep your shirt on, PETA.

Literally.

There are other dragons to slay.

Waitaminnit -- we gotta be nice to dragons, too?

Until next time, don’t annoy Rosie O’Donnell!

She could sink your boat.